Traveling through the "Valley of Sorrow"

Let’s start with a true story…

There was a ten-year-old girl who had been bullied by her peers at school for a long time and lived a miserable life every day. As a result, she suffered from severe depression and often even attempted suicide to end her life.

At that time her parents had a close personal relationship with the parents of a nine-year-old boy. Because the boy was dying of leukemia, the parents of the two families often got together to comfort and encourage each other. Whenever parents chat, girls are invited to accompany boys. At first she was annoyed by this talkative boy, but after getting along with him for a long time, she got used to it. One day the boy said to her: "My life is about to end, but I don't want to leave this world so early because I don't want my parents to be sad because of my departure!"

The girl who had always wanted to commit suicide was inspired by the boy's words and began to sympathize with the boy and persuade him not to be afraid of death. She gave the boy a key chain with a small flashlight and told him that when he left the world, he could turn on the flashlight and light would take him away. Slowly, the girl no longer wants to die, but hopes to live well and share her experience in the future to help more people. When she became an adult, she wrote an article - "Suffering, a Precious Gift" and participated in an essay competition and was judged by the organizer as first place.

I was very moved when I heard this story. For many single parents, most of them have suffered, but after experiencing the suffering, they will know that the suffering is not in vain. Over the years I have served in single parent ministry and helped many single parent friends, and their experiences have also helped me. The Bible says: "In life, you will encounter tribulations, like sparks flying in the air." Although suffering is a part of life, we gain happiness through suffering because we know the Lord Jesus.

A song "Perspective" composed by Sheng Xiaomei encourages listeners that if we look at all this with God's eyes, we will not feel that it is a kind of suffering. I recently heard a saying: "We experience suffering because God uses this suffering to let us understand what a deeper love is." After experiencing the suffering of losing my husband, I realized how deep my love for him is! Just as Jesus sacrificed himself for us, we know the depth of His love for us!

▲If we look at everything with God’s eyes, we will know how deep His love for us is.

Face reality bravely

In the process of learning to get out of sadness, we must first understand the various cycles of the "Sadness Valley Curve" theory. I remember that when my husband first left, I cried every day and had no way to survive. In fact, I just don’t want to accept the fact of suffering. At that time, my little sister was working in a pharmaceutical factory and asked a colleague who had some medical knowledge: What should I do to help my heartbroken sister? They once spoke of "the curve of the valley of sorrow." At that time, in order to comfort me, my sister sent her eight-month-old daughter to stay with me at home, so that I could be happy with the child every day. At the same time, she took my mother to live with me, so that I could cry without worry.

1. Denial period: shock, isolation, denial

The suffering came as a bolt from the blue and caught us off guard. Just like a husband who has been married for 20 years and always maintains a weight of 62 kilograms. He said that he was seventy full and ran regularly, and that humans are animals and should exercise regularly. His theory and practice were very good, but he left at the age of 51. I refuse to believe it. ! How could someone who usually rarely catches a cold die early? He often teases me with his friends: "My wife doesn't get sick except for her nails and hair, but everything else is sick!" My health is not as good as his, and I even asserted that I will die before him.

When my husband was alive, I was very dependent on him; after he passed away, I didn't have the courage to accept the reality. After being shocked, I denied it, and after denying it, I had to admit it. Over time, I became numb, and lived in confusion like a zombie. As a result, I isolated myself and felt that I feel sorry for myself, and others feel sorry for me, but I don't want to accept this idea. Friends came to care about me, wanted to take me to their homes for dinner, and wanted to introduce new friends to me. I refused them all and wanted to die. Like a hedgehog, it does not allow others to approach, ignores anyone, and lives alone.

Those sad days seemed to have no end until I read an article "The Truth of Life". After reading it, I felt relieved and accepted the reality. That article described a single mother who took her three children to a party one day. When she saw everyone at the party in pairs, she felt very pitiful. When a couple opposite had an intimate interaction, and the husband put his hand around his wife's waist, she thought to herself: Look at how nice they are, why do I have to suffer such loneliness? With resentment, she then saw the gentleman reaching over, just to get a glass of beer from the wife's side, not to hug her!

In fact, the truth of life is often like this; we always think things wrong, but the reality is not entirely the case. Thinking about this will help you feel relieved. Being afraid of being laughed at when encountering difficulties and always asking yourself to be strong and independent will put a lot of pressure on yourself.

In fact, you should accept yourself and know that at any time you will be weak and need Jesus’ helping hand. The Bible says that when we are weak, then we are strong through Jesus. Jesus came to help the weak and to save sinners, because while we were still sinners, Jesus’ love was already revealed to us.

▲The author looks at the bamboo from the window and misses her deceased husband. However, she has already emerged from the deep valley of sadness, lives an active life, spreads love, and lives a fulfilling life.

2. Anger Stage: Disgust and Blame

When you enter the anger stage, you will keep crying and blaming God. There was a single sister who was going through a very difficult time. One snowy day, her husband had a car accident in the snow while driving home at night. She was waiting at home to hear the news, and of course she couldn't accept it. After this incident, she took her three daughters back to Taiwan to relax. Unexpectedly, her youngest daughter had another car accident. She couldn't accept it. She blamed God every day. How could he do this to her? And how good she was to God!

I have read "God Weeps with Me", which is about a pastor who lost his wife to cancer and wondered how he could do this to him because he was a servant of God and his whole being was dedicated to God. When we are in the angry stage, we are not only angry at the person who left us, but also at ourselves, and even more angry at God! However, when we walk through the valley and recall the past and reflect on the present, we realize that God is leading us step by step and never leaves us!

That sister later became the person in charge of our church’s Evergreen Fellowship and served every church elder faithfully. Her uncles and aunts called her everyone’s daughter. She opened a flower shop, and there was a small purple flower in the shop called "Forget-Me-Not", which was her favorite flower.

There is a fable that says that God created many noble flowers, such as peonies and roses, with bright and brilliant colors. There were tiny forget-me-not flowers on the side. You tugged at God’s trousers and asked Him how could He forget Himself? Why don't you care about this humble little flower? God replied: "I have never forgotten you. I named you Forget-Me-Not, which means I will never leave you." This sister found comfort and encouragement from the fable. Although she experienced a lot of pain, she still God will never forget her! She cherished the forget-me-not flower and used it at every sacred celebration. She finally believed: God gives us the best.

▲The author relies on the comfort given by God to spend every day, welcomes a new life, and strives to bear the fruits of life.

3. Depressive period: worry, frustration, fear

When I first arrived in the United States, I had limited money, so I suggested to my husband to stop taking vitamins and save some money. Later, my husband passed away due to illness. I was very depressed and thought that if I continued to take vitamins, he would not get sick and die. When receiving counseling from teacher Jiang Haiqiong, she said that God already knows and allows her husband to leave when he leaves, so don’t take it to heart all the time. As long as you live well and raise your children, you will be worthy of him. My son was 16 years old at the time. After his husband left, he worked hard and got an honorary student certificate every semester. Suddenly he grew up and became more sensible! He had to take good care of me, even sleeping next to me at night, because he was afraid that I would have a heart attack at night and he would lose his mother.

Another single-parent friend’s husband hanged himself due to depression. She couldn’t accept it and refused to eat for three days in a row, wishing to die. When the church elders found out, they asked me to help her. After we met, she felt that I understood her pain because of my experience of loss. I put my hands on her shoulders and hugged her, and she held me and cried for a long time before she was comforted.

The sisters in the church prepared more than 20 dishes every day, but she just wouldn't eat them. Even if she tried to persuade her, she wouldn't listen. After crying for almost half an hour, I stopped and asked her if she was hungry. She replied that she was very hungry, so I asked her to eat with me. The other three sisters, who had been praying in the small room, immediately prepared quickly. After enjoying lunch together, every brother and sister who cared about her breathed a sigh of relief.

At that time, I immediately realized that God wanted to use my experiences and sufferings to comfort and help those who were experiencing the same sufferings.

I converted from a Buddhist for 20 years to a Christian. Because I believed in the Lord Jesus, my husband was still not healed. I always felt that it would be better to go up the mountain and live the rest of my life with wooden fish and blue lanterns. He often rides two boats and wavers in his beliefs. Therefore, after experiencing loss, I often feel fear in my heart. I always feel that God is dissatisfied with me and will find excuses to punish me.

A sister once told me that when she went to the supermarket to buy groceries, she heard the Lord Jesus say that he missed her very much, and immediately went home to pray in a secret room. She prays in her room for more than 30 minutes every morning and does not allow her husband or children to disturb her. I couldn't believe it at that time. How could a God who so frightened me miss people? !

However, when I began to read the Bible seriously, pray, and establish a close relationship with God, I was able to experience God’s love. Especially after my mother passed away, I lived alone and had more time to pray, read the Bible, get close to God, and feel that He is by my side. Every minute, every second, every day, I feel the sweetness of God’s presence.

Especially during the days when I was taking care of my mother, I loved to say that God is my ever-present help. If God hadn’t listened to me when I was in trouble, answered my prayers, given strength and grace, and been my ever-present help, how could I have believed that? Walk by Him through deep valleys and rest in green pastures?

▲When we walk through the deep valley of sorrow and look back, we realize that God is leading us step by step and never leaves even half a step.

4. Bargaining period: from discouragement and pessimism to forgiveness and acceptance

In the Bible, King Hezekiah bargained with God and was able to live an extra 15 years. At that time, when my husband was lying on the hospital bed, I also prayed and asked God to take my life and let me die for him. He could not die because the son needed his father. But in the middle of speaking, I said, "No! No! My son also needs a mother. Otherwise, I will give half of my life to my husband...!" It was really childish to bargain with God so seriously now that I think about it.

However, God really knows us very well. He knows that we will go through such a process. He can accept us as we are. Don’t be afraid. We believe that He is watching over us in heaven, and we can truly realize that God is faithful! Believe more that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways.

At that time, everything around me was very pessimistic, especially when I just lost my husband. I was struggling and I didn’t know how to take the road ahead. Don't know whether to go back to Taiwan or stay in the United States? My son said, "Mom, what should I do? We can't go back, and we can't stay!" Because I was a student dependent, I lost my status as a resident in the United States within two weeks after he left. My son came to the United States when he was 13 years old, and it was too easy to study. The competition for Taiwan's high school and university entrance exams is fierce. He had to actively prepare from the first grade of junior high school and take extra classes until late every day. It would definitely be difficult for him to study when he returned.

Worry and pessimism make me feel that my future is unclear and my mind is blank and I cannot think. I was hesitant and unable to make any decisions. I lost the opportunity to study in a seminary in Singapore recommended by my pastor, and I lost the opportunity to sign up to study English at a community college.

▲When the author’s husband passed away, his son was still a young teenager. Now his son has grown up and has a happy family.

I often say: My heart, why are you troubled in me? But the last sentence was left out: You should look to God. Therefore, when we are depressed, discouraged, and don’t know what to do, we must turn back and look to God, remove our burdens and place them before Him, and He will bear them for us. The Lord Jesus will help us according to our personality and experiences, because we are the pupils of His eyes and His treasures. He accepts every imperfection in us, opens rivers in the desert, makes roads in the wilderness, and finds a new way out for us.

When my husband just passed away, I couldn't fall asleep all night and the doctor prescribed sedatives. I was afraid that I would develop the habit of relying on sedatives to fall asleep in the future. I would only eat half of the amount every day and wake up at around 3 o'clock in the middle of the night. I would never be able to sleep again, causing Severe insomnia.

My cousin is a Christian. After learning about it, she advised me not to take tranquilizers anymore and to pray to God for help. Although I was a little skeptical, I took her advice. After praying on the first and second days, I still couldn't sleep all night long. Finally, on the third day, after praying, I slept until dawn!

The days in November are always as gloomy as my mood. Unexpectedly, that morning, the sun shone in through the white gauze curtains, and the long-lost warmth and warmth rekindled my will to live. I thought that I had only lost my husband, not the whole world. I still had to live my life, and I still had my son to take care of.

On the following Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, I promised to go shopping in department stores with my friends. The novel gifts decorated the world in a colorful way, and I did not have to live a bleak and sinking life just because I lost my husband.

▲The author and his siblings happily reunited during the 2019 Spring Festival.

5. Acceptance period: Gain a new identity and begin to build self-esteem and confidence.

Thank God for giving me a new identity, accepting that I am a widow, and knowing that God promises that He is the God of orphans and widows. I began to pray for my son and myself every day, learn to be strong and independent, and spend every day relying on the comfort given by God. From then on, I started a new life; I would go wherever my brothers and sisters needed me.

I helped my sister during confinement, cooked chicken soup, made desserts, and took care of the children. I like the breaking of bread in church the most. When I think of Jesus breaking himself, I feel that I can be divided and distributed to many people. A little bit for you and a little bit for others. Learning to be like Jesus is so precious! I hope that I will not only love myself, but also love the people around me; not only forgive those who hurt us, but also forgive myself, and believe that life will always move forward.

I once read a passage in a spiritual book: "After experiencing several joys and sorrows in life, we will find that love is a dedication and perfection. Love is, no matter what the situation in life is, whether it is high, low, or Whether we get together or separate, it will not disappear, but will have a deeper feeling. "Let me realize: the past is not like smoke. Everything we have experienced in the past is deeply imprinted on our hearts. Pain is the best gift God has given us.

Note:This article was compiled by Sister Jian Hailan and adapted from the lecture she gave on May 25, 2019 at the "Republic of China Streamside Care Association for Single Parents".

Jian Hailan, loves writing work, and his works have been published in many newspapers and magazines. Now he is a special writer for this magazine. Every month, we share the life stories of believers in Taiwan's "CITIC Monthly" to testify to the love of Jesus Christ and inspire people.
After losing her beloved husband, she became a single parent and has been serving in single parent ministry for more than ten years. May the comfort you receive from God comfort those who are suffering from the same affliction.