take a new path

[Breaking through one’s own frame in the midst of change]

Forty years pass in a blink of an eye

On the morning of June 18, 2018, I was sitting alone in the lobby of Taipei Songshan Airport waiting for my flight. A very familiar tune came to my ears, and I thought: Did I hear it correctly? This is an airport, that's impossible, right?

Searching along the sound of the piano, I finally came to a platform grand piano played by a computer that automatically touches the keys. However, how can we just play "You Are So Great" at this moment? God, what are you trying to tell me?

While thinking about it, I suddenly remembered that in 1978, I took a flight from Songshan Airport to study in the United States. That day happened to be June 18th, but it was already 2018 in the blink of an eye. Not one day more, not one day less, a whole 40 years have passed!

On June 18, 1978, my whole family and friends went to Songshan Airport to see me off to study abroad. Today, forty years later, my parents have returned to heaven, my brothers and sisters are unwell, and I am the only one sitting in the huge airport. Is loneliness pitiable? No, because I decided to take this journey alone. I had just retired from the choir where I had been singing for decades. I took a week out of my forty-day trip to return to my hometown, trying to figure out what to do next in life. I don’t need anyone to accompany me. The moist tears in my eyes honestly told me: “You need to sort out your life!”

How did I get through this road in forty years? From single, wife, and mother, to teacher, mistress, and grandmother, with the change of different identities, the relationships in the world are ever-changing, which is really amazing!

▲The author took a photo with his family before studying abroad in 1978 (adults in the front row, third from left).

Reflections on changing life roles

I am the baby of my parents, and I have often won rankings in singing competitions since I was a child. When he studied vocal music in the United States, he rehearsed and performed operas day and night, and learned art songs from different periods and languages. He also spent decades singing cantata by countless great composers. Performing in English, Italian, German, French, Latin, etc. is a daily routine for me, and these music and languages often fill my mind with many thoughts of different logics.

A few years after going to the United States, I became a wife. When getting married in the United States, if the woman does not declare to keep her maiden name, she will take her husband's surname after marriage. Immigrant wives often joke that they have no name or surname, because if they change their surname and then another English name, the original name disappears without a trace. Me too, old friends don’t know who Kathy Ho is and what is her relationship with Xue Yueyue? In recent years, it’s interesting that I’ve gradually discovered a lot of things about myself that I didn’t know I had. It turns out that not only did my old friends not recognize my foreign name, but I also didn’t fully understand myself.

After marriage, as a wife and a mother, I was as busy as a top. After finishing things at home, do your husband's things; after finishing your husband's things, do your children's things; by the time you finish their things, you are often exhausted. I once thought that this was the "incarnation" and pouring out oneself was "living for Christ." However, as my life has grown, I have often thought about it over the years: Do women have to completely abandon themselves after getting married and only think about their husband and children? Do you have to wait until you have no energy left to do it anymore, so that you can rest only when you bid farewell to this life and go to see your Heavenly Father?

Giving blindly without leaving any time and space for yourself, without thinking about what you need, and without knowing whether your body, mind, and soul are healthy. Is this a way of life that pleases God? Is "lover" defined in this way? If a woman doesn’t know what’s in her heart, how to face it when others don’t respond to her efforts, and doesn’t understand her own unique value and mission, then how can she live a beautiful life that glorifies God and benefits others?

▲Away from the choir stage, you can still sing and praise God.

What is the profession that I have been practicing for decades?

Over the past forty years, I have given many recitals and taught music. However, leading choirs, teaching Sunday school, participating in children's ministry teaching in Bible Study Fellowship, serving as counselors, leading couples' love camps, etc. are all in the form of volunteers.

The one who invests the most time is singing in a professional-level choir, which often requires auditions. He participates in more than 20 performances every year and spends a lot of time memorizing large-scale repertoire, such as Bach's "Matthew Passion", "Mass in B minor"; Haydn's "Genesis"; "Requiem" by Mozart, Brahms, and Verdi; Beethoven's "Missa Solemnis", "Symphony No. 9", etc. , and put in immeasurable efforts. Looking back now, I wonder: Was this the profession I had worked so hard on for decades? I never thought that one day I would have to leave the singing stage. However, the sudden illness forced me to make a choice.

In 2012, standing on the stage of the Boston Symphony Orchestra Hall, conductor Christoph von Dohnányi directed the choir to sing Brahms' "Requiem". Each performance required standing for 85 minutes, and the music had to be memorized in German, which was very... Effortless. After singing for four consecutive performances, I was sweating all over the stage and my hands and feet were swollen. After I got off the stage, I was extremely tired and had to seek medical treatment immediately.

The doctor couldn't believe the results of the electrocardiogram. He changed three machines and performed three electrocardiograms. He said, "You must take an ambulance to the hospital immediately!" Because the electrocardiogram showed that my heart seemed to be in a dying state. After three nights in the hospital ICU, I was still very weak when my daughter took me home.

On the winding country road home, I saw a few giant trees on the roadside with big crosses on their trunks using red spray paint. I thought to myself: These trees look very cute. OK, what's going on? Is it insect-eaten or necrotic inside? what about me?

In the hot summer of 2017, on the open-air stage at Tanglewood, I had another heart problem, and it was more serious than the last time. My white singing clothes were soaked with sweat, and I struggled to finish the concert in a near coma. After I got off the stage, I couldn't stop vomiting.

I thought it was just heatstroke, but after staying in the hospital for three days, not only could I not be discharged, I had to be transferred to another hospital by ambulance and stay for another three days. Doctors determined it was likely a myocardial infarction, but a cardiac catheterization test showed everything was normal. The doctor said, "You have a beautiful heart and your heart muscle is not blocked."

But I began to be unable to finish a sentence or sing a few bars of music in one breath. Although my health gradually recovered, in August 2018, I still reluctantly decided to retire from my decades-long singing career.

But I didn’t expect that the loss in my heart would be so real after my stage career ended. Deep in my heart I often cry out: "I still want to sing, because I was created for this, and I want to sing praises to the Lord who created me!" No one said that I can no longer sing praises to God after leaving the choir, but I I began to wonder: What is the value of human life? What does retirement mean? Can I still live a good life? Simply put: I finally had to face the enemy that made me think I was worthless and unable to live a good life. Who is it?

▲The author is a professional singer. After retirement, he felt a deep sense of loss.

Travel, organize yourself

After several struggles, I gradually realized that to live truly is to know that I am unconditionally loved by God, not what I can do. Even if I can no longer sing, I am still priceless in the eyes of God.

Without my family to accompany me, I decided to travel around for 40 days. I hope that after stepping out of the framework I set, I can see that the imperfections I think are actually good. The virtuous woman mentioned in Proverbs 31:10-20 was very capable and the family could rely on her. After reading this passage after retirement, I wanted to ask more about what is the most important thing in life? How close is she to God? Did she do what God called her to do? Is she enjoying everything she has? I believe the answer is yes. what about me? Who is the center of my life?

Traveling is not about abandoning your husband and children, but about sorting yourself out and seeing that everyone has obligations and needs to love yourself well, so that you can be more lovable and healthy, and make others happy to be with you.

This trip was to respond to how the "good news" was preached back to Jerusalem, and to understand God's will and how God's kingdom would come, as well as the situation of the missionaries. Is the time for the return of the Lord Jesus near? Am I ready for the return of the Lord?

Along the way, I held hands with fellow travelers I met, prayed along the way, and visited individuals and organizations in the mission field. I saw many disciples who followed the Lord incognito, earning a living through simple jobs and wholeheartedly obeying God’s guidance. I was very inspired by their determination and actions to love the Lord, and I also saw that I still had a lot to learn.

I thought about the past forty years that I have led believers in the Lord in short-term missions one after another. Have their lives really been changed by God? After the short-term mission team left, how many of them still remained moved and insisted on following the Lord? Like many Christians, I thought that I could change people through my own efforts. What a big mistake! The mission of Christians is to let God’s love manifest, to bring people to the Lord, and to let Abba Heavenly Father work in their lives. Only God can truly change lives.

During the journey, once while sitting on the hard berth of a train that lasted 15 hours, a “roommate” (six people per berth) said: “Now we practice the ‘four things’: eat together, live together, and study together. , work together." They volunteered to go to the countryside to help the poor, and they said with great enthusiasm: "I can!" I admire them very much. But after experiencing human weakness and limitations, I now know that "I can" in my life is actually because "He can."

During this trip, there were days when my passport was checked at least three to five times a day. The local government wanted to determine who you were? Where to go? Is the car speeding? Even when checking into a hotel, you have to hand over your passport. The government is doing everything it can to prevent terrorist attacks and protect its people! Doesn’t our God love us more and protect us at all times?

▲The author visited orphans in Kyrgyzstan.

Looking forward to a new path after retirement

On the tour bus, I saw a video that deeply touched my heart - How to provide children living in remote areas and steep mountains with a safe way to go to school? ! In order to receive education, they often have to wear worn-out shoes and walk over cliffs, climb mountains and ridges, and wade through floods. The reporter asked the children what they wanted? They thought for a long time and finally said: "I want a pair of shoes that won't wear out and an easy road to walk on."

How blessed I am. God’s grace has allowed me to wear many new shoes, and replace them with new ones when they are worn out. He leads me on the road of life that He specially arranged for me. Sometimes I am running on a smooth highway, and sometimes I am like an eagle. Spread your wings and fly high in the sky; sometimes you can't see the direction clearly in the vast ocean; sometimes you use your hands and feet to climb on a mountain road with peaks and boulders in front of you and no way back!

No matter where I go, being God-centered is a choice I can make—no matter what stage of life I am at, I must act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

To put it bluntly, my enemy is myself. I need new eyes to see myself through God’s eyes, love myself, and accept my aging self. Although I have left the spotlight, I am still a singer and can sing praises to the Lord in different ways. When I take pleasure in God and be satisfied with God, I can glorify God.

I am over sixty years old, how many days do I have left on earth? No need to be sentimental. God will continue to lead me forward, and I am more certain than when I was young and strong. This great God, the resurrected Lord, His nail-marked hands will hold me, and I will walk on a journey that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no heart has ever known. Thought of a new path.

▲Raising a silk scarf with a mission map printed on it in the wind at Tianmen Mountain Pass, looking forward to following God on a new path.

▲Horse riding on the grasslands of Kyrgyzstan. Travel alone and step outside the self-imposed framework.

▲ During the trip, I climbed the mountain and looked far away, hoping that my life after retirement would have a higher and farther perspective.

Xue Yueyue, a vocalist, graduated from the National Taiwan University of the Arts and the Cleveland Institute of Music Graduate School. She has served as choir, sacred orchestra, and choir conductor. She has also served as the first soprano in a professional choir and participated in the church worship team. Published CD "Come to Me". Currently, he is the conductor of the Hetian Holy Ensemble.