Accompanying the traveler in melancholic blues

[Regaining the love between mother and child in the midst of changes]

Interview/Shi Lingyu

The mother and son sitting opposite me, the mother Lan Xin (pseudonym), who is in her early 50s, has refreshing short hair, is optimistic and confident, and talks eloquently; the son Xiaojie (pseudonym), who is studying in high school, has a black border on the bridge of his nose. He wears glasses and a shiny earring on his left earlobe. He speaks in an organized manner and uses very precise Chinese words when answering questions. He is more mature than a typical teenager.

The warm December sunshine in Southern California shines through the floor-to-ceiling windows onto the kitchen floor of the home. Although we were talking about the serious topic of teenage depression and the content involved a broken past, there were no tears or complaints during the interview, it was like telling an ordinary story. Relying on faith, the mother and son have endured more than 700 days of fighting depression together, hand in hand. Looking back on this arduous road of two years, the mother said, "I am very happy that God gave me this experience. Because of it, I can stand taller and see further, and I hope to use my story to help other families going through the same thing."

The child suddenly fell ill

The incident happened in early December 2016. During that period, for some unknown reason, Xiaojie often couldn't get out of bed. No matter how long he slept, he felt very tired. He was too lazy to go to school and found various excuses to ask for leave. He frequently went to the school to inform his mother, Lan Xin, that she had to stay with him. Come to school with your child for an interview. In front of the vice principal, Xiaojie admitted that he had suicidal tendencies and felt that living was very tiring. The vice principal hurriedly called for the school counselor, asked the mother and son a few questions, and suggested that Lan Xin take Xiaojie to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

The vice-principal stated that Xiaojie’s future leave requests cannot be signed by his parents, but must be certified by a doctor. When Lan Xin was still trying to figure out how to deal with her child's sudden situation, Xiaojie relapsed one morning and lay in bed refusing to go to school. Lan Xin frantically knelt in front of him and begged him to go to class. Good boy, why don't you go to class? He cannot be absent any longer.

Facing his mother who was begging him to get up and go to class, Xiaojie finally broke out and said he was sick. Lan Xin didn't believe it and asked Xiaojie to call her father in Taiwan and explain to him.

"He told his father on the phone that he might have depression! I was horrified when I heard it. What is depression? I have no idea." This bolt from the blue made Lan Xin feel at a loss and lost her direction. Know where you are and where you are going.

▲Environmental changes and family pressure caused Xiaojie to suffer from severe depression. His mother accompanied him and actively sought help, finally walking out of the darkness and facing the light.

Leaving hometown and suddenly changing environment

In 2012, she took her son to the United States, lived with her parents-in-law under the same roof, and started a new chapter in her immigration career. When in Taiwan, the small family of three consisting of Lan Xin, her husband and her son was simple and beautiful. The couple has always advocated the American liberal education method and did not give their son too many restrictions since he was a child, allowing him to develop freely. After immigrating to the United States, Xiaojie was in seventh grade. It took him a year to understand what the teacher was saying in class. Due to changes in the environment, adaptation to a foreign culture, and the fact that his father was far away in Taiwan, Xiaojie and his mother were squeezed into a room in his grandparents' house, and the living space became cramped.

Not only is the external environment constantly colliding, but like her son, Lan Xin's inner world is also turbulent.

Lan Xin, who comes from a broken family, left home to live independently at the age of 15. In Taiwan, she was accustomed to being independent in everything and excelling in the workplace. She quickly overcame the inferiority complex that had been deeply embedded in her since childhood. After immigrating to the United States, she desperately wanted to win the favor and approval of her parents-in-law, so she accommodated herself in everything, and gradually became a little daughter-in-law who swallowed any grievances she had.

Such compromises did not bring her the respect and status she expected, and she had no one to talk to. The husband is a traditional and typical filial son. Whenever Lan Xin complains to him on the phone, he just blindly asks her to take care of the overall situation and fulfill her responsibilities as a daughter-in-law. In order not to let herself live without dignity, she was introduced by a friend to take psychological growth classes in the community and expand her life circle. During the course, she learned that her personality developed in her original family caused constant complaints and conflicts between her and her husband's family. These factors also affected the way she treated her children to some extent.

Face reality and have the courage to ask for help

After Xiaojie's depression broke out, he was unwilling to delay for even a moment because of a strong sense of self-help.

"It's just like you are sick and want to get medical treatment quickly, just like you have a fever and want to get well quickly." Xiaojie said that when he saw his classmates laughing at school, he wanted to cry. "Why can they become happy, but I can't? Later I learned that due to depression, I am unable to release certain chemicals in my brain."

Lan Xin took her son to find a psychological counselor at the Asia Pacific Family Center. After the examination, Xiaojie was diagnosed with severe depression. Lan Xin took the doctor's certificate to apply for suspension of school for her child. After Xiaojie fell ill, her husband's family never believed it. They always thought that the child was lazy by nature and made excuses not to go to class. They did not expect that the child was suffering from severe depression.

My husband's three sisters took turns calling to give their opinions, questioning whether there was something wrong with Lan Xin's way of raising her children.

"STOP! He is just sick!" She spoke bravely and loudly to her husband's family for the first time. "I was about to collapse. I didn't even know how to cure this disease."

In addition to taking Xiaojie for psychological counseling and having a psychiatrist prescribe medication, in order to give her son a better living space to recuperate, Lan Xin and her aunt agreed to let the child move to her larger house. , Lan Xin is responsible for all three meals.

Listen and accompany you wholeheartedly

At that time, my aunt's family had a dog, and Xiaojie immediately became good friends with the dog. Lan Xin delivers food every day and eats with her son. After the meal, mother and son take the dog out for a walk and talk about what happened that day. The years are quiet, and during those days of losing health, the dusk dates gave mother and son more opportunities to communicate and understand each other. Lan Xin seized the critical moment, patiently letting her son talk, and listening to every word he said.

The relationship between parent and child becomes closer after experiencing the painful furnace of fire.

"One thing that is very important when accompanying patients with depression is to acknowledge what they say. No matter how scary they say, don't be nervous, just listen and acknowledge. The function of the companion is to let them speak out what they want to say, and wait until they recover. , go back and discuss with him, why did you say this in the first place?

▲Lan Xin wholeheartedly accompanies her son to treat depression. The mother and son grow up together, and their relationship becomes closer.

Enrich yourself and inquire about life

At the same time, Lan Xin joined a community reading club. From reading literary works, she discovered that in the subtle places of life, the soul is more awakened. Therefore, facing the pain in life, she regarded it as a slightly sweet tremor. As long as the original intention of love remains unchanged, she believed that beauty was waiting for her ahead.

Among the literary works read together in the book club, "Uncle Saint" (author: Anne Tyler) deeply touched Lan Xin. The male protagonist Ian caused a series of family tragedies because of his unguarded words, and he has been burdened with guilt for his whole life.

"I think that my son will suffer from depression today. One-third of it is due to the environment, one-third is due to the influence of a certain family elder, and one-third is caused by me. After recognizing this fact, I have deep feelings for my son. There is a debt. I come from a broken family and have a broken attitude towards life, which has also had a negative impact on him."

Lan Xin admitted that when she first came to the United States, in order to create a good image in front of her parents-in-law, she forced her son to do things he didn't like to do. For example, her parents-in-law wanted her to take her son to volunteer at Tzu Chi, but her son didn’t want to go, so Lan Xin forced him to do so. The quarrel between mother and son became more and more intense, and even got serious enough to lead to a physical conflict.

"In Taiwan, I was originally a working woman, and my husband and I used a free-style approach to educating our children. We never suppressed them or believed in cramming. After I moved to the United States, there were many voices around me telling me how to teach children, how to eat them, and how to take care of them. He... I seemed to have turned into a body, obeying their orders every day." "Suddenly I seemed to have turned into an idiot. Even if I wash the dishes, someone will tell me how to wash them?"

Set free in God’s word

God's preparation is extremely wonderful. When Lan Xin began to think humbly and inquire about life issues, He generously gave her various opportunities to let her know Him, the Creator.

One time when she took her son to psychological counseling, she found a chat gap and curiously asked the young counselor how she could mediate so much negative energy she was exposed to every day so that she could have peace in her heart.

The counselor said that he is a Christian and prays when he encounters problems. "He also told me to learn to forgive." This sentence inspired the longing and desire in Lan Xin, eager to know what kind of God the consultant and the Christians in the flower arrangement class and reading group spoke of. ?

Lan Xin joined a Bible study class and the first book she studied was the Epistle to the Romans written by the apostle Paul. God drew Lan Xin into the truth through this book, which even ordinary Christians find surprisingly difficult to read.

"The whole book seemed to me to be written in classical Chinese. I was curious, so I looked it up section by section. During group discussions every week, the group members loved listening to my sharing!"

At the beginning, Lan Xin regarded Bible reading as a study of knowledge, to investigate the unknown world. Later, she slowly discovered that the Bible contained many truths that were closely related to life, which solved her doubts about certain issues in life.

When she read, “For I do not understand what I do; what I want I do not do… It is for me to desire to do good, but not for me to do it” (Romans 7:15-18). Lan Xin said that God revealed to her through this passage a major trouble that had been hidden deep in her heart in the past. Once the words of truth were unraveled, there was light, releasing the doubts and pain in her frustrations.

stay with treatment

Xiaojie's psychotherapy lasted for nearly a year and was very helpful in relieving his emotions. "During the treatment process, the counselor told me that the challenges I encountered were common to everyone. It was just that I was forced by the environment to face them very early and to figure out how to deal with certain annoying people. Face your own emotions. ""I'm not the only one who experiences these things, everyone does. It's just that most people may take it slow and learn slowly, but I want to learn it all at once." Xiaojie said.

This concept made him realize that this was not entirely his problem.

At the same time, the antidepressant medication prescribed by his psychiatrist moderately moderated and balanced the chemicals emitting positive and negative emotions in his brain. Xiaojie, who has a strong thirst for knowledge, actively searched the Internet for all information related to depression and shared it with his mother during his recovery. After taking the medicine for three months, one day he had a sudden impulse and picked up a camera that he had not touched for a long time, wanting to go out and take pictures. At that moment, he knew he was slowly recovering.

Avoid emotional landmines

But it is not easy to completely escape depression. The ups and downs of emotions are like a roller coaster, and sometimes you will still step on landmines if you are not careful. At this time, the patient himself and those accompanying him should be particularly vigilant and know how to avoid falling into the disease.

One of the causes of Xiaojie's depression is the long-term slanderous accusations from a family elder. He is called the "initiator" by Lan Xin and his son. At a family gathering, we inevitably met this "initiator". At first, the whole family was in peace, eating happily and chatting happily. The son's in-laws, whom he had not seen for a year, enthusiastically served him food. .

"Halfway through the meal, my son started acting strangely," Lan Xin recalled.

"I couldn't control myself. The negative emotions kept coming out. If I wanted to endure it, I would go to the toilet and cry!" Xiaojie said.

"He ran to the toilet to cry. When he came back, I knew something was wrong, so I explained to my family before taking him away. As soon as we got into the car, he told me that it was a good thing we came out, otherwise he would have turned over the table. ” (Taiwanese: meaning crazy, tearing one’s face)! ”

▲Lan Xin found peace and release in God’s words.

Embracing grace and hope

With the active encouragement of her friends, Lan Xin decided to be baptized as a Christian in 2018 to understand God’s greater grace and actions in her life.

The experience of accompanying her son through the Valley of Tears made Lan Xin look back with only gratitude, "I have lived to be in my fifties. Because of this experience, I stand taller and see wider!"

"It's really like fighting a battle with him. His only job is to be sick, and just be well sick. I am responsible for the inside and outside. I have to feel his feelings. I also have work and husbands to face... …”

"I was shopping for groceries at Dahua Supermarket that day and chatted with a mother. Her daughter also suffered from depression. Fortunately, she recovered, but now she doesn't even talk to her. I think I'm lucky. I interact well with my son. Now Like friends, we often ask each other how we feel. On the road of life, we accompany each other and grow together..." She looked at her son, expecting his approval, but she didn't expect him to give her a naughty reply. expression. She touched his elbow with her hand, as if forcing him to say: You still don't admit it?

Mother and son looked at each other and laughed heartily. What is conveyed behind that laughter is the satisfaction and joy after winning the battle.

There are many patients suffering from depression in Chinese families, but many people hide the fact of their illness out of concern for their appearance, and are even unwilling to seek medical help, leading to an irreversible situation. Lan Xin did not choose to avoid this low point in life that everyone was afraid of, but was willing to share it to help others see that there is true light at the end of the dark tunnel. Accompanying her son to get out of the painful healing period gave the mother and son an opportunity to re-adjust their life priorities. With fresh grace and hope, they face the future. With the power of God, Lan Xin is convinced that there is no unbearable weight and pain in life. .

Shi Lingyu, former Zhongtian News anchor. Now living in Southern California, she has two daughters and enjoys a simple and ordinary home life. A co-worker of the Genesis Literary Training Bookstore.