Could generational relationships be better?
[Generation M’s Views on Parenting] Baby Boomer Parents’ Truthful Words to Millennials
I woke up at five o'clock in the morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. Maybe God reminded me to get up and pray, or maybe I was thinking about my daughter's impending birth... My beloved other half was still asleep, so I quietly put on my nightgown and went to my daughter’s former room to be close to God. Since the children grew up and left home, if I missed them, I would visit their rooms!
I got into my daughter’s bed and stared at the cross-stitch on the wall that I made for her thirty years ago. There is a sleeping baby lying on it, with her name, date of birth, height and weight, and "For This Child I Prayed" (I prayed for this child). Next to it is a red rose, which was a gift from the son-in-law to his daughter on their first date.
I sighed in my heart: How come thirty years passed so quickly?
▲Faced with the many differences between generations, how to avoid collisions and frictions in relationships? (Image source: http://wallstreetenglish.edu.vn/files/images/blog-images/no4—generation-gap/shutterstock-174064271.jpg)
generation gap, cultural gap, language gap
Looking back at the baby boomers who came to the United States to study and settle in the United States in the 1970s or 1980s and are nearly 60 years old, and those who were born and raised in the United States and are nearly 30 years old, there is not only a generation gap, a cultural gap, but also a language gap.
For baby boomers and Generation After having children, I was very excited to be able to record some of their cute looks and movements on VHS. But Millennials grew up in an era when computer information was taking off. They may have used audio cassettes when they were young, and gradually video tapes became available. Then came optical discs, micro-movies, iTunes, iPhone, and iPad. They can’t wait to take their place in the global village.
What a difference between these two generations! Our generation of North American Chinese are new immigrants, they are locals. We feel harsh when we hear them say: "I don't care". How can we say "I don't care"? In fact, what they mean is: "It doesn't matter." well! Why do we always feel rude no matter what they say?
Opinions differ between the two generations on what to value. Parents always whisper that they should be good and obedient, and they have to call uncles and aunts when they see them! It is also required to wear leather shoes, collared tops, and formal trousers (skirts) when going to church. How many people now wear suits and ties to church or work? In the past, teachers were called by their titles, but now they are called by their first names, even leaving out their surnames. They think this is more cordial. Not that they are all right, but the culture has changed a lot.
We think speech should be cultivated and reserved, but they think it's good to just focus on the key points; we want to go to the street to help them buy clothes that we think will look decent, but they have to shop online themselves; we want them to abide by the rules, but they don't want to stick to the rules and instead want to innovate. ; We say that "children have ears but not mouths", but they regard expressing opinions as their natural right; they want us to speak "English" that they can understand, but we require them to speak "Chinese" at home; we insist on helping them in everything, For example: College tuition must be paid for for them. This is the responsibility of parents. Even if they make their own money to pay for tuition, we say no. Seriously, do we want to prove that we are good parents, or do we really want to help our children grow up and mature?
Maybe we are a little disappointed with them, but recently we have discovered that Millennials are not snobbish and mostly kind. They always look for their inner needs in a down-to-earth manner; they are not afraid of having little money and work hard for their ideals; they are careful about their income and expenses and are willing to help. People in need. Isn’t this something we should be grateful for?
▲Using biblical principles to comfort, encourage, and exhort is the best way to shorten the distance between generations. (Image source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cb/Hite_Crossing_Bridge.jpg)
Great way to get closer
Now I finally understand: As long as they are willing to take responsibility for their own choices, why should they listen to us? In fact, we only need to pray for them and provide guidance rather than dominance. When they have the Lord in their hearts and go out on their own, even if they fall, the Lord will help them stand up! It is the responsibility of parents to help them clearly understand God and believe in the words of the Bible so that they can eventually "leave their parents".
Think about it: haven’t we also dreamed that after our children were born, we racked our brains to choose the best names and had high hopes for them, hoping to add a lot of happiness to the world. Looking back on the process and results now, are they very different from the original dream? How do children respond to their parents' attempts to realize their dreams? How can the gap in expectations between the two generations be narrowed?
Not long ago, my 27-year-old son called home and we chatted for more than an hour, trying to communicate and understand each other better. Because he was often bullied in the real world, he bought a book about "setting boundaries" to find answers. The current environment is so different from before! Young people face challenges in life needs and relationships. On the one hand, I am gratified that my son can teach himself how to deal with interpersonal relationships, but on the other hand, I am sad that he will not be hurt in the process. Should we teach, correct, or simply listen to show our love? The current approach is to wait for him to ask himself! If he doesn't ask, don't provide the answer.
These Millennials often ignore authority, so how do you build relationships with them and influence them? For them, the authority may be themselves, followed by information from books and the Internet! As a father or a mother, sometimes I can't help but feel angry because of this, or I dare to be angry but dare not speak out. Different opinions, different values, different principles of dealing with others... Faced with many differences, it is inevitable that collisions and frictions will occur in the relationship. How much effort does it take to resolve these conflicts that are not trivial but always "hurt feelings"?
The Bible says: "Do not provoke your children to anger." What is wrong with parents respecting their children? If you truly love them and use biblical principles to comfort, encourage, and exhort them, that is the best way to love them and the best way to get closer.
Live out the word of God
However, the older generation often thinks that they are smart and rely on the instinctive reaction of "you have to listen to me when you use my money" to handle relationships with young people in an emotional way. To put it bluntly, parents are actually worried that their children will do something wrong. When you see them insisting on their own way, you try to save them at all costs, but often end up hurting others and yourself. At what age should we stop this protection? Would they learn more if they failed or suffered? When children are young, they should lead by example; now that they are older, they should no longer be disciplined by children!
In our experience of serving young students and raising children, my husband and I have encountered many challenges. Young people want us to listen and let them clarify their thoughts in the process of confiding their concerns. They do not necessarily need our "guidance". Even if your knowledge and wisdom are better than those of young people, why not replace strong supervision and orders with gentle and clever encouragement?
We are the clay and God is the potter. What "master" right do we have to decide the future of our children? Some parents "ask for nothing for themselves and give everything for their children", treating their children as idols, catering to all their needs, and just hope that they will climb to the top of the world. If something goes wrong, it's not the child's fault, it's the parents' fault. When do they start taking responsibility? Why can’t we “ask for nothing for ourselves and give everything to God”? Use your own ruler to measure whether you are a good parent and whether your child is a good child. Whose rule is this? How does God view our measure?
Recently I learned that "I am imperfect" but "our Lord is perfect", turn over and leave everything to Him! We do not need to be responsible for everything about our children, causing unnecessary self-blame and worries. Teaching by words is not as good as teaching by example. Let us humbly learn from the Lord Jesus. This is what children should see most. Bringing them to the Lord is the best gift you can give them!
Some people may think that going to church on Sunday means bringing yourself before the Lord. In fact, letting the Lord take control at home and living out God’s words is the most practical thing. My husband used to drive the children to school every morning and have devotions and prayers with them in the car. Bless them every Friday night at bedside (they say it's the best time in their memory). When I encounter difficulties at school, I say as soon as I get home: "Mom, you prayed for me today, right? Because when I have difficulties, there is a force inside that tells me how to deal with it and guides me through it." We often Practice forgiving each other and sincerely apologize if you have offended your child.
▲Young people hope that the older generation will listen to them, not “give advice”. (Image source: http://www.justinplambert.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/file000834482034.jpg)
better relationship
In fact, our children and we are all sinners, we all have the same needs, and we all need to trust God. I was rebellious when I was young, but my parents still accepted me. When I insisted on not endorsing the test and would rather fail the Chinese language exam than not be afraid, my parents told me to fail and re-study. They boldly handed me over to the Lord. I am also afraid when I fall, but God sustains me with His word, and the Holy Spirit comforts me, giving me the power to bear witness to His faithfulness. Later, when I got along with my children, I realized that if my heart is filled with the love of the Lord, I can accept them. Even if there are many differences and gaps, we still need to thank God and praise the Lord. The outcome of things is always better than what I could do on my own, and besides, both generations of us can experience God!
Deuteronomy 4:9, says the LORD our God: “But take heed and guard your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; but preach them Your children and your grandchildren.” May your children see the lessons God taught their parents and learn from them. As long as they look wholeheartedly to the Lord Jesus Christ and walk on the path that pleases God, they will not deviate from it even when they are old! Those who believe in the Lord are truly blessed. May God help us see our roles clearly. I hope people from our parents’ generation can see God’s love and sincerely bless the younger generation and love them. I believe our relationship will be better.
Author profile Xue Yueyue (middle in the back row) is a wife, mother, grandmother, musician, singer, and conductor of the sacred orchestra. He is very committed to family ministry, loves to pray with mothers, and serves as a children's mentor in the Bible study fellowship. Together with her husband He Mingzhi, she works as a student counselor in the church's social youth group, as a family teacher in the adult Sunday school, and she and her husband lead couples in the Family Renewal Association. She is the mother of He Tianyi, the author of the article "Giving answers is worse than listening to questions" on pages 32 to 36 of this issue.